inside outline

In Oakland I had a lot of people cutting my hair. I can’t remember paying more than a pack of cigarettes to trade for services rendered. I got some pretty good haircuts from my friend Kara Joslyn, she’d spend 4 hours on it every cut, which was nice for a free haircut, but tedious when you’re trying not to fall asleep while she’s trimming around your ears. After that, my friend Monica Canilao (pictured above) cut my hair for website services. I think she was the best because she’d bake me tator tots for after the haircut. She had this pair of old fabric scissors that she’d drag across my head. The pain was intoxicating. The sound of hair ripping gave me chills, and I can’t get a razor cut anymore without asking if they might have a duller blade somewhere.

When I moved to New York, I was shocked that no one was offering me haircuts for cigarettes. With New York cigarette prices, I can’t say it’d be much of a deal. So I went to this place that a friend was working at, his name was Brian, and I’m not going to say where, but he raped my head with his sleazy scissors, and charged me 190 dollars for a bowl cut and a salon phobia. I eventually found some guy named Wesley at Kropps and Bobbers, and he did an amazing job, but at 90 dollars, it was no steal.

Now back in Los Angeles, I dreaded finding a place to get my hair chopped. I’ve been going to Rudy’s on Sunset, for a 24 dollar haircut that looks like it cost me 40, or the Vidal Sassoon school, which i’m still a little scared of. And though I’m happy with the reasonable priced chops here, I’m still sad that the barter barber scene doesn’t extend much outside of Oakland. I got a haircut in Portland once, and they gave me a free pabst while I got my hair snipped. Its those little gestures that make an experience. So if anyone in Los Angeles wants take a crack at my head, I’m ready and willing. And if you want some money, make sure you have some tator tots and a PBR waiting for me.

Sometime in the last few years, I’ve started obsessing about pig hunting. I’ve fallen in love with the idea of taking down a wild pig with my bare hands, gutting it with a knife and cooking it over an open fire. I’ve never been into hunting and/or gathering, but I’ve come to respect the pork so much, that I feel I must fully experience the process from start to finish. To actively engage the process, to better appreciate what I already love so much.

There is a prejudice against pork that I’ve never understood. Certain cultures don’t eat pork because of outdated dogma, set into place because of sanitary conditions of the time. They say that modern pig raising processes have created a very clean and lean meat, that no long resembles pork of previous centuries. Chickens are ceseptable to all the same diseases, yet somehow escaped such culinary persecution. The Chinese have always considered the pig the most noble of all beasts. They are loyal, smart, and above all, delicious. I dare anybody to befriend a pig, and not come out of it with some respect for the species. There is a misunderstanding with pigs, that since they don’t sweat they’re meat is tainted; that its filthy. But no one seems to realize that pigs, a very emotional animal, cry themselves to sleep most nights, releasing any excess salt that would spoil they’re delicious flesh.

I know its not going to change. It just makes me so angry when people relegate pork as a secondary meat. We’re the secondary meat, and we should bow down to such savory gods. So I’m getting to get ready, I’ve polished my brass knuckles, and tightened my belt. And if you want, you’re more than welcome to join me.

If you’ve ever met me, I’m sure you would have heard that I was fat once apon a time. When I was seventeen, I lost a hundred pounds in three months, eating nothing but cereal. I preached this diet atop mountains, and I stood as the only example that such results could be attained. Now I’m a little older, and a little fatter, and i’m going to try it again. You should join me.

Stop eating food, and pick up about 140 boxes of special k, 10 pounds of raisins, and 300 boxes of trader joes fat free rice milk. Eat 8 bowls a day, and drink nothing but water. Your heart might start to hurt, but don’t worry, thats just your body saying it hates you. The pounds should start to fall instantly. i lost 25 lbs the first moth, 40 lbs the second, and 35 the third. It is also very important to keep your heart rate up, so drink black coffee all day. You’re going to want to loose about 40 lbs more than your target goal, this weight will trickle back eventually with proper supervision. At the end of this step, your parents might think you’re on drugs, but don’t worry, they love you more when you’re skinny.

Also, this plan works much better if you eat more than 2 cheeseburgers a day, before starting diet. Results may vary, guaranteed to help you loose weight, dead or alive…