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When I was seventeen, I realized that if I ever got thrown into a gun fight, I’d die within the first 15 seconds. I wouldn’t be the hot shot cop, I wouldn’t even be his partner that goes out in a blaze of glory. I would be the busboy that was in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I ever get into a gun fight, I hope its on boat dock. Diving into the water is usually your best bet as a bystander. As long as I can hold my breathe long enough, I should be fine. Maybe a helpful dolphin will help me back to shore. But knowing my luck, I’ll probably catch a cold or die of hypothermia; probably both.

So i got into an interesting conversation last night about hair. My friend’s friend Carol was talking about these pictures that appeared on the internet exposing a certain celebrities unmentionables. Carol was disgusted by the presence of hair, and that got me kind of angry. When did hair become such a bad thing?

We were all once cavemen, and cave women. Our hair was free flowing and probably very dirty. The first recorded case of the hair cutting act came from the egyptians royalty, who would remove all their hair, adorning their heads with wigs and elaborate makeup. Early societies chose hairlessness to detect leprosy and protect from lice. The Greeks prefered the hairless look, as depicted in most of their art. Manscaping was a common practice amongst Greek homosexuals of the time.

I understand the appeal of a well maintained lawn, but what I’ve always found puzzling, is the inconsistencies within gendered hair identities. Was it a caveman that decided that men can have underarm hair, and females can’t? Why is body hair considered a male attribute, Females go through puberty first. They get it first, they should have dibs.

But what really gets me, is how ugly a hairless body actually is. Almost everything looks better with hair on it. Have you ever seen a hairless cat? They’re frightening! I’ve always wanted a partner with a fine coat; thick, shiny and full of body. I would comb them before they went to work, and flat iron their body when we’d go out. I really don’t see a downside to a hairier existence, besides having to buy a lot of mouse and a gigantic hair dryer. Clothing would be optional, aging would be more graceful, and I’d finally know what its like to be black in America.